My Needs and Wants

I can't figure out quite why I'm so down about the prospects of our other-people-sexy-time. Estrella has explicitly said that she still has interest in pursuing it. She has expressed no regrets about our time with Roger, nor any more regret than I have about our adventures at the swinger's club. I can't figure out why I should feel this way.

I think that I fear that something I want or need will not come to me. Specifically, our compatibility with male-female couples seems to trouble me the most. But, I'm having trouble working out exactly what's going on. So, I'm trying to list each need and want that I can identify with regards to sex. Not the tiny details ("I want somebody pounding my ass while Estrella sucks my cock"), but the emotional needs. Then, I intend to work forward from this list to determine why I feel so worried.

These are in order of priority. Also note that these are not necessarily unfulfilled needs.

Needs:

1. I need to have sex regularly. Right now, three or four times a week seems sufficient.
   
2. I need for all of my sexual partners to be involved willingly, honestly, and enthusiastically. This specifically discounts deference, obligation, connivance, and pity as acceptable reasons to be involved.
   
3. I need novelty of sexual sensation.
4. I need to feel that I have clear and open communications with my sexual partners.
5. I need what I can only term "freedom of sexual expression"; the extent to which I have this freedom is negotiable. I'll explain more.
   

This "freedom of sexual expression" of which I speak I define roughly as follows: the freedom to safely express one's sexuality without fear of censure. The corollary, of course, speaks of boundaries determined by consenting participants. Since I hold boundaries and consent as unalienable rights of an individual, it follows that maximizing one's freedom of sexual expression comes not from making demands of partners, but rather from seeking partners of whom you need not make demands.

Wants:

1. I want to feel that my relationship with Estrella is more important than those with other people.
2. I want the same from her.
   
3. I want to have sex with men.
4. I want to have sex with Estrella and other partners simultaneously (well, at least in the same session).
5. I want to have sex with other women.
6. I want to sexually express intimacy and affection with friends (if they're interested).
7. I want to feel intimacy and affection with secondary sexual partners.

On reflection, I've found this very helpful.

Assuming that we won't find a couple with whom both I and Estrella are willing to have sex, we're left with bisexual men, couples with bi men and straight girls, and the simple swap. I nominate Needs 2 & 5 and Wants 5, 6, & 7 as my fears in this situation.

I'm scared of le swap simple because of the apparent frequency at which men drag their unenthusiastic women into the scene. This seems coercive to me (Need 2). Likewise, a slip of the tongue toward what I'm really thinking ("your cock looks delicious") will end in tragedy most times in Swingerville (Need 5).

Despite lovin' the cock myself, I strongly suspect that many claimed male bisexuals who seek out couples don't actually have much interest in men. Rather I think they feel willing to endure sex with them if it means getting some pussy out of it. This seems dishonest on their end, but more importantly, feels like selling Estrella to get my ass plugged.

I can eliminate fears regarding consent and honesty on a case-by-case basis by spending enough time with secondary partners to get to know them. However, Estrella stated that she was turned off this last go partially because she didn't like the amount of time we spent having drinks and chatting with Konrad and Susan. Likewise, I feel like this distaste for spending time with people means that I'm unlikely to have the chance to feel much or any affection or intimacy with our partners. I can cope with that, but it seems suboptimal for my mental balance. I guess I'd rather like the people with whom I have sex, not simply find them physically acceptable.

Since I believe Estrella has placed sex on the side (not involving her) out of bounds, but has consented for me to have sex with another woman in her presence, male-female couples seem the best chance if I want sex with other women. A single woman seems ridiculous on the basis of liklihood: without hiring a hooker, I can't imagine actually finding a straight woman into a threesome with Estrella and I. I imagine there're plenty of women out there into pleasing a dude with his wife, ignoring her. But, I imagine that many more couples (men) are interested in this than single women who're into it. Supply and demand.

Me and two women has never been a fantasy of mine. I like vaginal novelty as much as the next male mammal, but with no one else to distract them, what the fuck am I supposed to do with two chicks at the same time? Lesbians doing their thing has never excited me, so even if they weren't straight I can't imagine why I'd want two women. There're too many holes, and far too few cocks. I guess if it would please Estrella (and the other lady), I can imagine trading off between the two of them while the other watches. But, I'm going to get tuckered out fast.

In a similar vein, two bi dudes and two straight girls sounds a little bizarre. Are the girls going to sit back and kibbutz while we 69? Will they throw on the strapons and build a daisy chain? I guess with sufficient gear, this could be made to work. Actually, now that I think about it, this would probably be our best bet. I wonder how many of these couples actually exist. I mean, there're plenty of bi dudes cheating on their wives... but, that's not really what I want.

I have issues about people feeling left out. Active, intent watching is one thing (that's a sexual act itself). But, sipping a drink waiting for a cock to be free (and hard) doesn't sound like fun.

I've got one plausible solution that gives me most of what I both need and want, and also seems to align itself with Estrella's apparent needs. If I accept that I'm not getting any strange pussy (I can cope), it seems like we should be looking for gay couples who might like a little pussy on the side. As long as they're not of the vaginas-are-sea-serpent-habitat school of gaydom, gay men tend to be fairly accommodating of my particular constellation of sexual identity.

Not to mention, gay men are plentiful and easy.